I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
