You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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