Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
