it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
