I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
There's lube on my homework. #priorities