nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
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Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"