So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.