found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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