I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
