you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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