operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
