I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
