tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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