my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
