Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize