Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
