i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
