so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
