I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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