Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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