The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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