I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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