I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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