How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You pole danced in your parka.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I believe in your delicious
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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