lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
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Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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