I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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