I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
my poor anus
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
