i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
