She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
