I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
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You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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