No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
