Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
