He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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