saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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