Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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