My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so let's talk penis.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
