Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
