I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
