i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
