she looked like the before picture.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
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Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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