Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
