I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
