Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
