the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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