I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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