She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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