I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my being single is dangerous.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
