oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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