you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
