I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
