Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
