Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
