If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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