its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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