Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
