And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
